Do you ever find yourself slipping back into the same habits, even when you really want to change? Most of us have at least one habit we’ve tried to break, such as overeating at night, skipping movement when we’re stressed, or reaching for sugar when we’re overwhelmed. And even when the desire to change is strong, something still pulls us back.
So what’s going on?
According to Robert Kegan and Lisa Lahey, authors of Immunity to Change, lack of motivation isn’t the problem. It’s that real change isn’t just about doing something different, but about understanding what’s happening underneath the habit.
Why Change Feels So Hard
Kegan and Lahey explain that some challenges are “technical problems”—things you can fix with a simple plan. But most habits around eating, stress, and self-care are adaptive challenges. These require a shift in how you think, what you believe, and how you see yourself.
That’s why telling yourself “I’ll just try harder tomorrow” doesn’t work. Your old habits weren’t created because you wanted them. They were created because, at some point, they helped you feel safe.
The Real Reason You Slip Back Into Old Habits
Kegan and Lahey call this a competing commitment—a hidden fear or concern that’s working against the goal you say you want.
Here are a few examples:
- Wanting to eat less but being afraid of feeling bored or unstimulated
- Wanting to lose weight but fearing the feeling of emptiness inside
- Wanting better health but not wanting attention from others
You can have a desire to change and a fear of what might happen if you do. Both can be true at the same time and that’s what keeps you stuck.
How to Identify Competing Commitments
You can’t change a habit you don’t understand. Start with these questions:
- What change am I trying to make but keep slipping away from?
- What uncomfortable feeling am I avoiding when I go back to my old habit?
- What am I committed to that conflicts with the behavior I want?
Maybe you fear being judged. Maybe you’re afraid of failing. Maybe you don’t want to feel deprived or exposed. Once you identify the real fear, the old habit loses its power.
The First Step to Building New Habits
When you know what your old habits were trying to protect you from, you can start building new ones.
Real change happens when you stop judging the habit and start listening to it. Instead of asking “Why can’t I do better?” try asking “What do I need right now to feel supported?” Maybe that means stepping outside for fresh air, taking a moment to breathe before eating, or choosing food that actually satisfies you instead of just filling the space.
Breaking old habits isn’t easy, but it is possible. Every time you make a choice from awareness instead of fear, you interrupt the old habit that once tried to protect you. With time, those choices help you build new habits that feel calmer, more intentional, and in alignment with the future you want to live.
You deserve habits that support you, not ones that hold you back.
Ready to Take the Next Step?
Ready to uncover the hidden fears holding your habits in place? Take our free Top Inner Roadblocks to Weight Loss Success Quiz to find out what’s been standing in your way.
Need help choosing a new direction? Revisit Choosing Your Future: Make Your Own Rules and learn how to build habits that support the life you want.
Source:
Loughrey K. Happy Life at a Healthy Weight: Creating a Shame Free, Healthy Relationship with Food and
Life. Authentic Wellness Publishing Company, LLC; 2024.
Zhana Ivanova
University of Maryland – Nutrition and Food Sciences
Kay Loughrey, MPH, RDN, LDN Transformational Speaker, Breakthrough Coach, Nutritionist-Dietitian
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Kay Loughrey, MPH, RDN, LDN is a licensed Nutritionist-Dietitian and a weight loss coach with 30+ years of experience in helping people lose weight and develop healthier relationships with food. She coaches her clients nationwide providing weight loss planning, video check-ins, and more. Schedule your free consultation.